Where's the mountain top?

Life is wierd.

life seems so empty and vacant sometimes.
the heck is the point of living?
to go through crap and then die. :]

yet everyone tries anyway.
lives through school.
tries to become someone.
someone important to the world.
get a job, earn money, live, and possibly earn more money to support a family.

routines make life boring.
yet drama and depression arent appreciated in life.
the heck is with life?
what's considered happiness?

i dont know.
i'm in the middle of doing hw.
but i'm constantly thinking of. stuff.

majors! big topic.
i like psychology.
-can't get a job in psychology.
good in sciences.
-don't feel like injecting a needle into anyone.

i dont have any talents. bothers me.
not particularly good at anything. worries me.
i'm just a random asian brought in this world to be sorta smart.
but it's not like i'm gonna "make this world a better place." :I

about....1 day till my birthday! :]

btw, called julia today. she smoked. didnt ask what it was like.
we talked like old times, but things just feel awkward now.
she didnt listen to me.
people like her bother me.
people who strive to fit in and then achieve crap.
people like her who confuse me so.
they put up an image and seem happy. there life seems to have more meaning sometimes, with all the drama.

but i like mine better. its overly complicated, it sucks, but i'm trying.
trying to bring my grades up, go to some non crappy college, earn big bucks, and look for what they call happiness.

I'M ON MY WAY! ._.

mood swing throughout this blog? i think so.

dont know if i should retake the chem test.
i got an 89.
i think it's a bit iffy. :I
i want to try again, cuz i think i could do better.
but i dont want to screw up my grade. DX

Gloomy Black Friday.

Weather.com said it would rain nonstop friday.
I'm thankful that it didn't.

although it didn't rain, it always looked like the sky was on the verge of tears because it was so dark and gloomy out.

anyways, black friday;
i woke up at 5 in the morning with my twenty something year-old cousin, Christy. (who came from china like less than 2 years ago.)
christy wanted to buy a laptop from bestbuy, so we went to the one near queens center mall, first thing in the morning. sadly, the line for best buy was SUPEEEEEERRRRRRR LONGGGGGGGGGGGGGG, and we got there by like 7 a.m., so we gave up and went back to queens center mall.
we walked around in there for like 7 hours, and we couldnt find anything we liked. D:
i mean, yea, there's lots of discounts, but that doesn't mean that the things on sale are actually...nice. -_______-
so we took a rest after 7 hours of walking and went to the food court and ate KFC.
except i couldnt eat any, cause i have a stomach virus. SUCKS. ): [this week seems to be my worst ever, T_T ]
so i basically starved the whole day. ><

after queens mall, we spent another 3 hours in flushing, and christy and i both went home empty handed.

you'd think my black friday was pointless.
i thought it was pretty pointless.
im telling myself it's good exercise.

btw, i lost 4 pounds! thanks to my fever and stomach virus. ._.

my fever's basically gone, but the stomach virus still lives! T_T
which means i STILL cant eat meat or drink milk or juice. and i cant eat anything with too much oil.
this is complete misery for me because all my favorite foods go under meat, MILK TEA, and almost every asian dish has oil in it. -_______-

4 days till my birthday! i hope next week will be WAYYYYYYYYYY better than this one ><

HI MY SWEATHEART ON SUNDAY! :D

I believe in karma.

Yesterday was complete crap.
No. This whole school week was crap.

On Tuesday, someone stole my graphing calculator. (or so i assume.)
That night, i got a fever.

Wednesday morning, my temperature is 102 degrees.
I was debating whether or not to go to school;
in the end, i decided that i would go, because i had a Chemistry test, and i had spent most of monday night typing up the lab reports for Almonor, and i wanted to hand them in after 9th period.

Guess what happens. i go through a whole day of hell with a fever, and after 9th, i go up to Almonor's room on the 6th floor, AND HE'S NOT FUCKING THERE. ):
waste of my time.
I really want like at least a 90 in chem lab. almonor makes me try harder than i need to. for LAB. seriously. -_______-

oh yea. and the stupid freshmans with their "balloon dick" during lunch.
retards. -_______-
it's the second time this year i've had to bitch at those bastards. when we were freshman, we weren't that annoying.

7 days till my birthday. ><

Sometimes being a guy seems so much better.

I NEED NOKIA HEADPHONES AND A NEW MOUSE. T_T

Today basically sucked for me. D:

I got my period today. And for the 2nd time, i had SUPER bad cramps. D:<
I couldnt focus on anything. T_T
all i wanted to do was go home and sleep. ><

This week is so freaking hectic! D:<

monday, common time, getting home late and a lot of hw i had to do.
Today, the cramps and a lot of hw again.
tomorrow, PREFECT. dont you just love it? -_______- WELL, I DONT. and vionna and i might visit almonor after school becuz of his stupid lab policies. >_>
thursday: TRIG TEST THAT I CAN'T SEEM TO GET A 90 ON. D:<

and finally friday, the most hectic day ever.
i have: CHEM ESSAY DUE.
GLOBAL TEST (i suck at global.)
GLOBAL PROJECT DUE. (i suck at global. a lot.)
GLOBAL EXTRA CREDIT PROJECT DUE (i need the extra credit)

guess what, i havnt started on any of these. therefore thursday is going to be hell for me. T-T

procrastination must be killed.

What Nana #2 would be like.

Annie sent me this video:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KcsuMryFjss&feature=related

I really like the song. and the two girls who sing it are twins.
So it got me thinking.

I wonder what it would be like to have a twin.
Would it be cool? Fun? Annoying? Painful?

Would you have crushes on the same guy?
Would one guy have crushes on both twins?

I often wonder what it would be like to have a sibling. It'd definitely be less lonely. Even if the sibling is annoying.

if I had twin, everything would be different.

I wish it didn't matter.

Sometimes i wonder why I'm not like every other teenager having those mega crushes on guys.

It's not that I don't have crushes. I have a billion super-short-term-crushes.
Maybe It's cause I'm picky with guys.
or Maybe It's cause I'm scared.
I think, in my whole entire life, I've only had ONE super serious crush in my life so far. Diana knows who I'm talking about. ._.
He goes to stuy now. And is failiing. >x<

I tend to like tall asian guys. But most of the time, I like guys for their personality. Recently, I've been crushing on guys I don't even know. -_-

So then there's the medium crushes. Guys I start thinking about out of nowhere.
This is when I start to get worried. I'm scared of liking someone too much that they'll affect my life way too much. And this is where I start to shut down my feelings. I tell myself that the guy I like will never ever like me back. That It's impossible. I feel safer when I don't like anyone. So that if they hurt me without meaning to, I won't take it to heart.
To me, liking someone is being vulnerable. And being vulnerable is a weakness. Having a weekness causes heartbreaks and heartaches. Having heartbreaks means depression. Depression is sad and no fun.

I'm a chicken when it comes to things like these.

I care about you.

You'd have to read my previous post to understand what I'm talking about.

Here's a poem dedicated to her;

I knew you'd change.
It was a given.
I knew I couldn't keep you here,
No matter how hard I tried.
But I lied anyway,
Told myself we'd always be like this,
Inseparable.
Of course, reality slaps me in the face.
And you tell me you've completely changed.
What happened?
Your friends?
Somehow it seemed evident
That you'd fall under the pressure
Why do you even care about fitting in? -_-
It's a game of 20 questions
and I've known you all my life
You wouldn't be able to answer them,
You wouldn't want to.
Wouldn't want to admit,
That what you're about to do is stupid
I want to stop you
tell you you're wrong.
But even if I held up a stop sign.
Changed the course of the wind,
Tied you to the ground,
I know
That I can't stop you now.

Why won't you listen to me.

Watching you go downhill isn't what i wanted.

OH MY GOD.
I've known my cousin julia since i was born.
she's also born in 1994.
She's considered my first best friend.
back when we were kids, we were INSEPARABLE.
then again, back when we were kids, we were never part of the same "group" in school.
she was always in the popular crowd, the bad kids. me? i was in the "wierd" ppl group. i guess i still am? ._.
ANYWAY. the reason i wrote this is because, as we grew up we both changed a lot.
we arnt as close as we used to be. I miss the old her.
She's becoming worse and worse. She keeps changing herself to be in the Popular group.
I mean , seriously, FUCK THE POPULAR GROUP. -______-

today, she told me on aim that her friends were trying to change her.
I got really pissed. -_-
and then she tells me she wants to start smoking. ITS MY WORST NIGHTMARE. D:

Here's our aim convo:
iXxjANIcE (6:52:02 PM): NANA! Sally and lisa is trying to change me into some one im not
BecauseNanaChen (6:52:23 PM): then dont change into it
BecauseNanaChen (6:52:34 PM): what are they trying to do to you, my poor baby? D:
iXxjANIcE (6:55:44 PM): LOL! Aws... They telling me to go cut my hair and get bangs and a perm witch i dont mind bout that because i was already planning to but they were like they gonna buy me clothes and high heels and boots and etc. They want me to blend in with them BecauseNanaChen (6:56:00 PM): UGH.
BecauseNanaChen (6:56:02 PM): FUCK NO
BecauseNanaChen (6:56:16 PM): julia, if that happened to you, I've be FREAKED.
iXxjANIcE (7:02:33 PM): LOL! Aws... Dam i never seen u like this before. But even if they didnt want me to change i would hav changed myself but its just that they r rushing and im just taking small steps BecauseNanaChen (7:03:01 PM): take the small steps
BecauseNanaChen (7:03:07 PM): i realllllyyy care about you, julia
BecauseNanaChen (7:03:13 PM): even if i dont show it sometimes -_-
iXxjANIcE (7:05:38 PM): AWWS!!! NANA! I LUV U! Yeah i guess thats what imma do. Take small steps
iXxjANIcE (7:06:14 PM): Nana if say i was completely changed what would u do?
BecauseNanaChen (7:06:56 PM): i wouldnt like it too much
BecauseNanaChen (7:07:01 PM): but everyone changes :/
BecauseNanaChen (7:07:08 PM): i would still love you :]
BecauseNanaChen (7:07:28 PM): but the one thing i NEVER EVER want you to do is smoke
BecauseNanaChen (7:07:33 PM): NEVER
iXxjANIcE (7:10:56 PM): .... Ur not gonna like what im about to say. I was just starting to consider smoking....
BecauseNanaChen (7:11:09 PM): why would u want to do that?
BecauseNanaChen (7:11:27 PM): give me one reason, honey :/
iXxjANIcE (7:15:09 PM): Like at first i was like im never gonna smoke but then the only reason was because i couldnt stand the smoke but now my brother smokes and he said that when ur the one smoking u dont feel the smoke
BecauseNanaChen (7:19:55 PM): OMG JULIA
BecauseNanaChen (7:19:57 PM): he smokes?
BecauseNanaChen (7:20:04 PM): that's reallyyyy bad
BecauseNanaChen (7:20:09 PM): ur going to die faster
BecauseNanaChen (7:20:14 PM): i dont want to lose you ):
BecauseNanaChen (7:20:16 PM): pleaseeee dont
BecauseNanaChen (7:20:28 PM): so what if he smokes?
BecauseNanaChen (7:20:34 PM): that doesnt mean YOU need to smoke -_-
iXxjANIcE (7:23:57 PM): Well its just once in a while. N its not about him. Just wanna try it
BecauseNanaChen (7:24:21 PM): i thought lisa didnt smoke
BecauseNanaChen (7:24:24 PM): sally didnt smoke
iXxjANIcE (7:26:08 PM): Nah they dont smoke. Its just me whos considering it. N sally says that she would never smoke and lisa said that she would also try it just once
BecauseNanaChen (7:26:48 PM): but if u get addicted, then u wont stop smoking
BecauseNanaChen (7:26:52 PM): and ull die faster
iXxjANIcE (7:29:55 PM): Nana its not like ill die that fast. N it only happens if u smoke like alot alot and my uncle he smokes like a a pack a day and hes still fine
BecauseNanaChen (7:30:31 PM): tht doesnt mean it's the same for everyone
BecauseNanaChen (7:30:39 PM): haven't u seen those things on TV?
BecauseNanaChen (7:30:49 PM): the woman with like...only 3 fingers?
BecauseNanaChen (7:30:50 PM): D:
iXxjANIcE (7:33:49 PM): No... Relax nana im not imma get into anything serious. Its just gonna be a few puffs. N compared to all those others its nothing
BecauseNanaChen (7:34:23 PM): ugh. ):


HOW THE FUCK DOES SHE EXPECT ME TO RELAX?

Wish list.

Maybe it's too early to make one for my birthday, but since I already got a super early birthday present from ruole, why not? :]

you should call dibs so that people don't get me the same thing. ><"

-a cute hat :D [that will fit my head :x ]
-super cute earrings :3
-a longgggggg necklace. :D
-a MOOD RING :D
-a STAR RING ? :D

-SOMETHING USEFUL. :]



*NOTE: IT DOESNT HAVE TO BE ORANGE. -_______- *

Chaos.

I remember talking about this in wasserstein's class last year. O_O

anyway. school is pressuring me with work.
that's why even on my blog, i remind myself of school work:

kinda long term reminders:

CHEM TEST FRIDAY
CHINESE TEST FRIDAY
SETTING PARAGRAPH FOR ENLGISH DUE FRIDAY
SOPH TECH MONSTER PROJECT
GLOBAL MONSTER PROJECT (not rlly :] )